Para ti-
How? How am I only here 2 more days. This whole year, my mind has been constantly thinking about what I will do with the kids tomorrow, next week, or in a month. Now…there is no next month or even next week. There is only tomorrow. Soon, there will only be “goodbye.” I have no idea how I will handle saying bye to my boys. I have experienced so much life with them that they are basically a part of my family. Therefore, the reality of leaving now carries some very strange feelings.
Impact:
I am
currently in the process of packing…a process that I expected to take about 4
or 5 days...it only took 4 hours. I am completely done packing. Not because it was
easy, but because the boys wanted so much of my stuff. The majority of my items
are completely useless to me now. My clothes are all worn down, discolored and
full of little holes. My sheets show a discolored mark of bleach and wear of
where I have rested every night of this past year. The toys definitely don’t need
to come back with me, as most of them are not longer functional. I had
planned to try to throw away a couple of these items, but the boys were shocked and insisted on keeping them.
All
the stuff I thought wouldn’t have significance was fought over. The boys wanted
everything that was not in my suitcase or shelf. They were beyond excited to grab
my stuff and show it off all around campus. I will likely end up coming home with a
suitcase and a half less stuff then I had planned on.
The boys
are proud of something that they got to hang on to from their
gringo Dad. However, that is not the impact I would like to leave. Yes, they
get to keep some of my cool items, but that is not exactly what I want
them to remember.
Discipline:
Our
house has a problem with stealing. There’s no other way to put it. We have had
things all over our room disappear and not show up again. A few weeks ago, it
was 100bs ($$). Of course this was a big deal to me. I never want the kids to steal.
However, almost all of our kids have a background of robbery or parents who were involved in theft or significantly worse crimes. Trying to train the boys to stop thinking in the way their
parents thought is a very difficult task.
We
called all the boys together and asked if anyone knew about it, and of course all of
them said “no”. This is not my first rodeo with stealing. Nearly every time we eventually
figure out who the culprit was. This time, we had our suspicions, but they were
confirmed very shortly after it all happened. One of our kids gave 100bs to someone
on a motorcycle while they drove into town to buy socks. All the boys know that
if they need anything, they can come to us. They don’t have money in the first
place, so its hard to actually buy anything.
We
called the kid down, but he refused to admit it was him.
After
5 days of him thinking about his actions, he admitted to taking the money.
Throughout
this process, I had one question for him. “Porque estoy aqui?” (why am I here?)
He never really wanted to respond. However, what I said was always the same. “para
ti.”(for you). I wanted these boys to know that I was not only here to cook and
wake them up in the morning. I was here for them. Not only here for them now,
but into the future as well. Stealing is not okay, and they know that. So why
do they do it? I may never know. However, I can do my best to make a meaningful
impact while I am here.
When the boy came to us, he cried a lot. He felt so guilty and hugged us while apologizing persistently. For me, time is tight. I only have a couple days left. I will never know how this will affect him in the long term. I just know it’s important to make a point that these actions have consequences.
Fathering:
This
all can be summed up by saying, “Here, I am a Dad.” Yea that sounds weird to
say, but it’s true. I am a Dad in nearly every sense of the word. As this year
has progressed, the boys have felt more comfortable around me and told me
several stories from their lives, however they were typically not happy stories. 11 of the 13
boys in my house have a father who is in jail or absent in their lives. I don’t know all the reasons,
but I do know that many of them are at FF because of the impact their father had on their life.
Some
of the stories are too sensitive to be written, and I hope that gives you an
idea of what we are dealing with. However, I will tell the story of 2 brothers that I have. During worship last night, we were talking about Dads. These two
brother started to tell a story about their dad who was a rancher with his friends.
One day, the boys were out in a field and not contributing to the work (4 y/o and 6 y/o at the time). The
dad's reaction was rather sad. He had his buddies chase the kids around and lasso them
to the floor. After that, they were tired to a tree by their feet and had to apologize…
This
was just one of the stories. Sometimes I forget just how bad several of the situations
these boys come from truly is.
As a
figure and Father who they currently look up to, I strive to allow the boys to
understand that Fathers are much more than what they know.
I was blessed enough to grow up with a dad who
truly cared about my brother and I. He taught me to go the extra mile to
ensure our success.
I
pray that I have helped redefine what these boys know as a Father. I hope they
have noticed that they have someone who cares for them and is willing understand
their concerns, fears and even learn a language for them.
Obviously the fact that I'm going to be leaving them soon is weighing heavily on me.
Burrito
problems:
When
I think of returning home…I already know exactly what I want to do. As soon as
I land from my 20 hour travel day, we will be going to Taco Bell and I will be getting
two bean burritos…one with extra cheese, my classic order. My brain can hardly
comprehend telling a fast food worker that you want a burrito one minute and it
being thrown out the window in the next.
Here,
if I want a bean burrito it is nearly an 8 hour process from start to finish.
First, you must soak the beans for about 3 hours before starting to slow cook
them. Once they are ready, you can serve them or refry them which takes longer. Then I must prep all the
ingredients for a burrito....tomatoes, lettuce, onions, sauce and some other important
things. Finally, I must make dough to roll out and cook tortillas. My house has
15 people, however that breaks down to 3 adult men, 9 teens and 4 little ones. This
means at LEAST 2 tortillas for each person, and possibly 4-8 for the teens. The
number of tortillas that need to be made skyrockets rather quickly. This is a labor-intensive
process that…while fun…is exhausting.
At
home, I take my car to a drive through, say “2 bean burritos please” and pull
my car forward. The biggest possible inconvenience is that the line may be longer
than 4 cars. Wow, I am actually chuckling while writing this.
I'm excited for that ease in my life again. There are so many
parts of my life that I cannot wait to experience upon arrival. However, it
doesn't take away the fact of what I am dealing with now. I will probably never
have to face these challenges again in my life. Several of the issues are a
whole lot bigger than a burrito.
Bigger
problems:
If
you have kept up with my blogs, you will have known that little Joel has been
having serious issues with home sickness. He has cried nearly every night…for
the whole night since late February. I sleep less then 4 and a half hours for
most of the nights. I found that there is only one way
to truly calm him all the way down. It is to go up to his bed, lay him down and
play a song, sing a hymn, or hum a tune. While it puts him back to sleep, he
will almost definitely come back within an hour just to make sure I am still
in the house. I have tried my best to find alternative ways to let him express
his emotions, they allow more sleep for me; however, they prove unsuccessful.
If he
doesn’t come to me, he cries louder and louder until it wakes up all the boys in the house. Of course, this does not make them happy and leads to
bullying. This is never the goal I want to set for my house, so I sleep a
little less to allow my boys to sleep a little more.
When
will I ever have this problem again? Not at least till I have kids of my own…I hope.
While it is a pain to continually be tired throughout the day because our little
guy can’t sleep, I enjoy it. Not because I have fun waking up 4 separate times
each night, but because this is unique. I have this chance to learn how to deal
with a difficult situation. I might as well live in the moment while
I can.
Biggest
problem:
I'm
leaving. I will not be here to calm down little Joel. Sean (our campus nurse)
is staying till August, but Joel is used to me. How will my departure affect
him? I am here as his primary caretaker along with 12 other stories of kids who depend on me and now I just leave? Something doesn’t
feel right about this.
This
has been the problem that my mind has been trying to avoid all year, yet now I have
to face it. I can’t stay. Our director Melissa has established a life here for her
family and the future. She is one of the most brave people I know. However, I
also know that the lifestyle she is able to live is not for me. I have school
to finish and other goals to attain.
At
the moment, my boys mean everything to me. While I have had many difficult
learning experiences with them, it all has been worth it. They keep me on my toes and ready to make the next
leap.
It
is a hard to answer. “How can I leave?” but the more difficult question is, “Who
would have been here?” The missionaries at Familia Feliz provide VITAL support
to the kids and each other. My house currently has two house parents, Zoro and me. When one of us is gone, it puts significant strain on the other. Burnout happens
fast. The ability to rely on one another has created a dynamic of a family in
our house and stability that these children so desperately need.
The fact
that this whole experience is nearly done still blows me away. The end of April
doesn’t even feel real. However, it is here, and I must go.
My
cousin Katie Jane who was an SM here last year said something that truly stuck with
me.
“Even
Jesus left.”
Jesus
leaving was tough for every Christian, and very special for the disciples. I
pray that when I leave, these kids will be stronger as well.
Last:
Everything
I do here is now a “last”.
The last
time I am going to cook a meal.
The
last time I am going to do morning worship.
The last
time I will tell them to stop throwing marbles at each other.
The last
time I am going to get groceries from the Harding house.
The last
time I am going to stay up late while forcing myself to attempt to sleep.
The
last time I am going to uncontrollably sweat while sitting down.
The
last time I am going to scrub my clothes to no end.
The last
time I am going to hear Leonardo say “Ticher…puedo mas naranjas?” (Teacher, can
I have more oranges?)
The
last time I am going to call my family and friends from a different country.
The last
time I will sit in this coffee shop to write my blog.
The last
time I will have to wake up 13 boys and get them ready for the day.
The last
time I will have to power through a day even though I have all these boys
counting on me.
The last time I will have to worry about how
good my Spanish is while serving as a missionary
The last
time I have to worry about how much longer I need to cook the beans before the
boys get back.
The
last time I have to sing the little ones to sleep.
The last time I will struggle with internet
24/7.
The last
time I will have to prepare a speech in Spanish…for a while at least.
The last
time I will have to bake bread for all my boys.
The last
time I will have to do anything to avoid thinking of home.
The last
time I will push my tired body to stay awake just a few more minutes.
The last time I say goodbye to my 13 boys.
I have yet to have the “last” of several of
these, but the time is coming. I pray that the impact that I make is truly felt.
The “lasts” are nearly to an end, and I can’t change that. So, I pray that
these “lasts” turn into a memory for my kids and I that will last forever.
Pictures from the weeks:
For the rest of my time here, I hope to be at peace with the impact I leave. Sadly, it is not easy. The kids are obviously sad that I am returning home. I talk to them about it often and they ask me about returning home all the time.
It started to feel like I was leaving yesterday. Aaron and Memo’s departure made all the kids realize that I’m actually leaving. The little kids fight for my attention, but nothing like they have the last 24 hours. Leonardo has cried several times already about us leaving and Joel has been very difficult to deal with as well. Those two cry quite often and are definitely making it hard to say bye.
Leonardo had a problem on Thursday morning. His thumb touched his oats…that were mildly warm. He immediately erupted in tears. After a few minutes I calmed him down and took his plate to the front along with him as we sat on the porch together.
“Es esto sobre la avena?” I said. (Is this about the oats?)
“No.” Said leonado.
*I asked several other questions*
“No.” He said to all of them.
“Es esto sobre cuando me voy?” I asked. (Is this about when I leave?)
“Si.” He replied.
My heart sank. I gave him a hug and told him that I love him and care for him. All the boys have a similar feeling about us leaving, but express it in very different ways. I have to go back as I mentioned earlier. But, these kids definitely feel it in a similar way that I do.
Jose and Otto are just being funny and adding to the attention-seeking “levántame” (lift me up) which brings a good relief.
In the end, I just pray that these boys know that they are loved and important in this world. I know our experiences in life are very different, but I am here for a reason. Even though I don’t understand how my work here will fully affect my boys, I trust that God has a plan for what will become of it.
Thank you, all for keeping up with my story. I have loved sharing it with all of you.
Philippines 4:7
“And the peace of God,
which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts
and your minds
in Christ Jesus.”
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